The Murderous Secret
by medicated immortal
Summary: Updated: Peek inside a Vampires Anonymous meeting.
1. Chapter 1

No! Owning twilight was my last hope! Oh well.

Just some random insanity of a moment's reflection.

Edward sat on Bella's bed, stroking her face as it was illuminated by the first dim light of the sun. He leaned in closer to kiss her lips when suddenly a black cat sprang from out of nowhere and scratched his face off.

Bella was wide awake as soon as she heard the sound. "Edward! What happened?" she squealed, oblivious of the huge cat perched atop her head.

"I HAVE TO GO!" he yelled; then he saw her startled look and added, "I'll be late for my…um…er…vampire convention!"

"In case you've forgotten, you drive, let alone run, at supersonic speed—you can't possibly be late for anything! You don't have to leave," she soothed him and wiped the blood off of what used to be his face. He took off running. "Wait a minute…Vampires hide, Edward, they do not have conventions!"

"I KNOW that," he said as he crashed through the window. "SSH! Don't tell, none of the vampires know I'm a vampire, in fact they don't even know that they're vampires themselves!" leaving Bella in utter confusion. She tripped over the cat, which would seem impossible due to the fact that it was on her head, but nothing is impossible for Bella!

Forewarned by the cat, as usual, Edward could sense his mission from miles away. The danger lay on the set of MTV's cribs, where a full-blown pimp was waking up to breakfast. As he fastened his dollar-sign necklace, he bellowed, "SHIRLAY! Gimme some o' dat oatmeal!"

"But Antonio," his servant protested, "You hate my oatmeal! You always pour it down the disposal!"

"But if I don't eat it…" a shadow passed over his face and his tongue ring quivered, "MY RUSSIAN GRANDMOTHER WILL COME AND GET ME!"

"Antonio," she sighed, "your grandmamma lives in a maximum-security Russian nursing home. She is also paralyzed and severely schitzophrenic due to a lifetime of therapy. She couldn't escape if the guards opened the door for her."

"I KNOW!" he screamed, "DAT WHY I BE AFRAID OF HER!"

"This looks like a job for…CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!" he bellowed, forgetting the fact that he was in an elevator full of obese businessmen on his way to the pimp's crib.

"WHAT! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A VAMPIRE GOING TO A VAMPIRE CONVENTION BEFORE!"

Just as Edward arrived on the scene, the pimp cried, "Lay-lay! I hate this oatmeal! Po' it down the disposal!" He looked up in shock. "CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!"

"Yes, it is I, come to point out the obvious fact that you hate that oatmeal, yet you eat it every morning!"

"I don't get it. Yo, wanna tour my crib?"

"All right, I've had it with you fatty," he whispered. "Your grandmamma…is NOT…coming to get you. She is FREAKIN' 200 YEARS OLD!"

"But I saw her, I saw her…"

"Look, bud, I've had it with this job. You people never get it. All I'm trying to do is save enough cheddar so I can buy a fly ring and propose to my beautiful honey. It shouldn't be this hard! I've never seen so much stupidity in my life!"

Without warning he snapped, violently bit down on the pimp's neck, blood sprayed everywhere but he was still hungry and fed on the stupidity to his heart's content.

"Oh, no," he groaned, "my teeth are stuck!" He desperately shook the stupid man, but alas, the carcass was too heavy, and Edward's teeth snapped off! "I suppose I…have no choice," he cried as he lifted a dirty gold grill from the table with his pinky finger.

"Edward," Bella asked, "what's on your teeth, and who's that following you?"

He turned around in dismay. "NOOOOO!" he screamed, eye-to-eye with huge fangs that fell just above a dollar-sign necklace.


	2. Chapter 2

Introducing... Vampires Anonymous!

disclaimer: If I owned anything, wouldn't it be kind of superflous to post stories on the internet?

Movie premiere announcer: Hello and welcome to the all scream>

**V. A.!**

Alice approaches the podium. Erm...hi everyone! My name is Alice!

All: **HI ALICE!**

Alice: I like poofy hair and really fast cars, and my family...but not necessarily in that order, you might notice that I have poofy hair and be thinking, "wow she's really vain, she likes her own hair the best" but it's not true. in fact, i despise myself, see--OW! ow that hurts! look everyone, i bit myself. heh, i don't taste very good. i also like it when they put blue's clues prizes in those boxes of ramen noodles...

Fat Swedish Guy: Quit rambling Alice, we all love you!

Alice: GASP! my long lost cousin who shows up at our house and asks for gingerale every thanksgiving, yet we never remember him!

Fat Swedish Guy: I am Doctor Cullen. Doctor Angus Cullen.

Announcer: Did you just say your name was Angus?

Everyone: **HI DOCTOR CULLEN, DOCTOR ANGUS CULLEN!**

Announcer: Bella it's your turn. Trust me, we will-- edward makes a low growl and makes fists with his feet> oops, i mean won't--laugh!

Edward: wolf whistles>

Everyone: **HI BELLA!**

Bella: Hi everyone. I like chocolate ice cream, soft kittens, edward, and orange people, not necessarily in that order. teeters on Alice's 5-inch heels> whoa-whoa...OH CRAP! Alice, i told you they were too small!

Announcer: I know how we should make Bella feel at home! Say it everyone!

Everyone: **DANCE PARTY!**

Bella: gulp> no...NOOO!

Announcer: yes! hit the sound, Donald! (i don't know if anyone says hit the sound like they say hit the lights, but oh well!)

Colin (he's been turned into a vampire by his momma): Hey Ry, do you know what all of this music has in common?

Ryan: What, Col?

Colin: It was all written subconsiously as vampire music!

everyone does the jitterbug as "hungry eyes" plays in the background>

Announcer: Angus this one's for you... WILL YOU MARRY ME?

edward and bella slow dance as "forever young" plays, and he strokes her cheek, never dropping his eyes.>

Angus: i marry you if you give me lamp!

-----the end-----


End file.
